Of Pancakes and Tsukuyomi
by MaestroWalrus
Summary: On his birthday, Itachi simply wants some peace and quiet. But what will happen when the rest of the Akatsuki kidnap him and take him out to eat at the IHOP? Rated for pancake-filled madness and Hidan's mouth.


Of Pancakes and Tsukuyomi

Itachi sat murderously still in the middle back seat of the Akatsuki van, wedged in between Kisame and Kakuzu. He tapped his fingers impatiently on the armrest as the van accelerated to pass another car.

Of course, being duct taped, blindfolded, and forced into the van by the other Akatsuki members had not helped Itachi's mood, either. As usual, the prospect of a quiet, relaxing day at the lair had once again eluded the elder Uchiha.

Having to sit next to Kakuzu had agitated the already irate weasel even more. Itachi despised having to listen to Hidan and Kakuzu's never-ending quarrels, and as always, the two had resumed their usual bouts of profuse profanity.

"For the last time, Hidan, I don't give a damn. We can't afford to go anywhere else, so shut your damn mouth!" Kakuzu yelled towards the front of the van, where Hidan had begun his usual relentless pouting, whining, and griping.

"Well then fuck you, you cheap ass! I don't wanna go to IHOP! All they fucking serve are filthy heathen pancakes, goddamn. It's fucking weak, seriously!!" Hidan shouted, now leaning over the seat to yell at Kakuzu.

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE PANCAKES!!!!" Kakuzu lunged forward, and promptly gave Hidan an epic pimpslap for fouling the name of the fluffy nummy pancakes.

"OW YOU MISERLY ASSBAG DON'T PIMPSLAP ME!"

"Yeah, well you probably enjoyed it. Fucking masochist."

Devoid of a witty retort, Hidan slumped back in his seat, scowling silently. Not a moment had passed, however, before yet another stream of curses flew from his mouth as the van struck a pothole.

"Kisame, why am I being forced to go to IHOP with everyone? I wanted to stay back at the lair today." Itachi inquired, tilting his head and raising a finger to poke Kisame in the arm.

"Because today is your 18th birthday, and I'm not going to let you spend it in some stuffy old lair. And those pancakes are hella nummy, Itachi-san."

"…"

"Itachi-san?"

"…You do realize you're dead once this blindfold comes off, right?"

"Just wait until you get your birthday present, Itachi-san. You'll never want to kill me again, I promise…" Kisame could not resist a toothy, knowing grin.

"Hn. Doubtful."

Meanwhile, Tobi had occupied himself during the ride to IHOP by trying to fit random objects into Deidara's ears, and trying to pluck out strands of his hair for "cloning purposes".

"SENPAI ARE WE THERE YET!?" Tobi screamed, making another lunge for Deidara's hair, only to be deflected by one of Kakuzu's pimpslaps (his pimp hand was strong that day.)

"No, Tobi. Just be a good boy and shut up, un."

".…HOW ABOUT NOW, ARE WE THERE YET?!"

"NO TOBI WE ARE NOT FUCKING THERE YET!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAMBULANCE ARE WE THERE YET DEIDARA SENPAAAAAIII?!?!?!?"

At this, Deidara grabbed Tobi by the throat and began to strangle him, laughing manically. In the mayhem of the struggle, Tobi's elbow accidently hit the giant, daunting lime green button labeled 'sexy mode' on the van's side panel. Instantaneously, soul music began to play, a giant disco ball dropped from the ceiling, and the lights dimmed as Itachi and Kisame's seats extended and transformed into a makeshift rotating bed. Another side panel in the van's interior rotated around, revealing a minibar.

"Uhh. Leader? What the fuck is all this? It looks…expensive." Kakuzu said, clandestinely tucking a fancy-looking bottle of alcohol from the minibar into the folds of his cloak.

"Uhhh. Well, you guys are stressful as hell, so Konan and I need a break from you psychos once in a while, and….uhh….yeaaaaah…" Leader's voice trailed off, leaving the rest of the group to draw their own interpretations.

At this note, Deidara collapsed into a giggling fit, Konan gave Leader a swift punch in the arm for his implications, Itachi whirled his twisted mind around a plethora of devious scenarios (most of which involved Kisame, har har har), and Kakuzu muttered things about the van's resell value.

"SENPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI! TOBI THINKS WE'RE HEREEEEEEE!!!!" Tobi wailed halfheartedly, his face pressed flush against the window.

The van grinded to a halt, and not a heartbeat had passed before everyone began to pour from the van's interior like a flood. A hungry, pancake-happy flood.

As the rest of the Akatsuki swarmed into the IHOP, Leader was already twisting the cap off of a brand new bottle of Extra-Strength Excedrin, and Konan was on her fourth cigarette. It would be a long day.

A thin woman, probably in her 40's, led the group to a large, crescent booth, where everyone promptly ordered coffees, teas, and apple juice for Tobi. Itachi sipped his tea slowly and deliberately as he lay in wait for when the blindfold would come off.

Soon the time would come, and they would face the wrath of the Sharingan. But until that time, tea would suffice. And as for the van's aptly named "sexymode", Itachi had quite a few schemes on how to dis-

"_Heeeeeey, Itaaaaaachi-saaan………Itachi-saaaaaaaaaaaan!"_

"What is it _this _time, Kisame?" Itachi exhaled slowly, straining to keep his blood pressure under control after being stolen from his thoughts. Especially the thoughts involving sexy time.

"POKE!!" Kisame exclaimed jubilantly as he teasingly poked Itachi in the arm with a fork, a serpentine smile stretching across his face as he fought in vain to suppress a fit of laughter at the poor weasel.

Itachi began to twitch relentlessly.

Meanwhile, Deidara reached sluggishly across the table for another sugar packet to add to his coffee. His hand, however, was met with air. The entire box of sugar packets at the table had been decimated. Despite the urge to simply look away, his eyes followed a trail of ripped paper and sugar grains, leading directly to a huge pile of empty, torn open sugar packets that lay directly in front of Tobi.

"Oh shit, un. OH SHIT! TOBI, DID YOU EAT _ALL_ THOSE FUCKING PACKS OF SUGAR?!?!" Deidara screamed frantically, leaning across the table in order to grab Tobi by the shoulders and shake him.

In response, Tobi merely turned towards Deidara, wide-eyed and laughing insanely.

"OH GOD HIS PUPILS ARE FUCKING DIALATED, HES ON A SUGAR HIGH. RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES, UN!!" Deidara screamed, nearly having a Kakuzu-level heart attack at the thought of Tobi on a sugar high in a public place.

Consumed by the madness of his sugar high, Tobi then proceeded to jump out of the booth, rip off his pants, and run around the restaurant, flailing his arms and screaming about unicorns. One unfortunate waitress had gotten a full-on frontal view of the pantsless, flailing Tobi. She ended up in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position and staring into the abyss, muttering incoherently.

Meanwhile, as the rest of the kitchen staff proceeded to hunt Tobi down (often with meat cleavers and chef knives, much to Deidara's delight), the waitress had returned with her notepad, and turned toward Kakuzu to begin taking entrée orders from the strange group in booth number 12.

"Oh, yes. I'd like to order off of the discounted senior's menu. I'll have the egg whites and wheat toast, with some prune juice if you have it." Kakuzu stated plainly, desperately trying to ignore Hidan's snickering fit.

"I'm sorry, but you have to be 60 or older to order from our senior's menu. And I'm afraid we don't serve prune juice." The waitress responded, scratching out her previous scribbling on the small notepad.

"I'm 112 years old, you damn whippersnapper!! And I need my fucking prune juice! Do you have any idea how rough and scratchy your colon gets when you get old? DO YOU?! I THINK NOT!! WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK IM SO PISSED OFF ALL THE TIME?!?!"

"…Umm, I'm afraid I don't know very much about the colons of the elderly. But if you have some sort of ID that shows you're above 60, I'll put your order from the senior's menu right through."

Hidan could not suppress a fit of raucous, rolling laughter as Kakuzu pulled out his AARP card to verify his age to the waitress. Zetsu, salivating, ordered the steak-ham-sausage-bacon-and-moar-steak omelette, Kisame opted to simply take the largest stack of pancakes they had, while Hidan refused to eat "heathen pancakes" and instead ordered some French toast. Deidara was crestfallen when the waitress said they wouldn't flambé his entire meal, and ordered eggs benedict instead. (AN: for those who don't know, flambé is when they set it on fire) Pein and Konan both took two over easy eggs, with hashbrowns and toast. However, when the waitress turned to Itachi to take his order, Kisame intervened, telling the waitress that Itachi was here for his birthday, and wanted the 'special order' he had previously called about. Grinning, the waitress scribbled furiously into her notepad, before snapping it shut and walking back to the kitchen at a brisk pace.

Breakfast was delivered to the group shortly afterwards, along with a captured Tobi, who was now clad in a full-blown strait jacket and face mask, Hannibal Lecter style.

While Zetsu whispered sweet nothings to his steak lover's omelette, an overjoyed Kisame began covering his pancakes with absurd amounts of assorted syrups and drawing smiley faces on them with the whipped cream. He even took the liberty of covering the entire thing with powdered sugar.

"RAWR! AH MUNNA EAT CHU, PANCAKES! OM NOM NOM NOM!!" Kisame screamed as he dove headfirst into his nummy pancakes. Even Zetsu stared curiously at the shark, who had managed to cover half his face with syrup and butter and bits of pancake.

And then Kisame removed Itachi's blindfold and duct tape.

"So Itachi-san, you still wanna kill me?" Kisame asked, looking past the elder Uchiha and grinning, eyes fixed on something moving across the room.

Itachi started to go Mangekyo Sharingan on Kisame, but soon caught the movement, and turned to see what Kisame was staring at. His own eyes widened as he saw the only reason why he would not kill him for this little stunt. Three extra-large pancakes sat gloriously atop a plate, covered in some sort of glaze. But they were no ordinary pancakes. These three pancakes were colored, one red, one green, and one yellow. Itachi's mind, working overtime, had known at first sight what his birthday present was. Dango. Pancakes. Mmmyes.

And as Itachi watched a beaming waitress set the plate down on the table, a flickering revalation came into the darker recesses of his mind. The idea that perhaps, by some astronomical chance, being kidnapped could sometimes turn out for the better.

AN: Ehhhh. Not up to my usual standards, but I've been busy, so do with it what you will :p

Anyway, review or kisame will eat all your pancakes! :O Mwahahaha. :3=


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